Elena Agafonova

​ Coach | Author | Happiness Explorer 🌱 ​

Letters of Change A weekly space for happiness, self-trust & the art of living well ​ Let’s begin gently

“Lighthouses don't go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.”​
— Anne Lamott

Hello and welcome Reader!

Some people carry a spark in their eyes. Others, a storm in their chest.
But there are moments and people who move quietly, not looking to be saved, just hoping someone will hold the light steady while they try to find their way again.

This is one of those stories.

A Winter Without Goals

In December, he started therapy. The fog was thick. Insomnia. The 64th level of depression, as he called it himself. His marriage had collapsed: his wife could no longer carry the emotional weight of two. And yet, he was allowed to see his son on weekends, and those few hours were what held him together.

He was far from helpless. A respected top manager in a successful company, he’d invested years building other people’s businesses. And recently, he’d started his own — a seasonal retail venture that was full of potential. But the timing clashed: the store launch, the divorce, the emotional crash. All the money from his well-paid job was now keeping the business afloat — rent, inventory, salaries. He was stretched so thin it hurt.

His therapist said: No big goals right now. No major plans. Just stay afloat.​
But even as things stabilized a little, that very “float” began to feel like a slow drift toward nowhere. That’s when he quietly reached out to me.

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The Mirror of Identity

We’ve known each other for years. He trusted that I wouldn’t rush him into action — just hold the mirror when he was ready to look.

We didn’t start with strategy. Not even with goals. We started with this aching question that lingered behind everything he said:

From the outside, everything looked fine — his business was functioning, his job still paid well, he had time with his son. But inside, he refused to acknowledge any of it as “success.” There was always a but: “Yes, but not enough. Yes, but it could be better. Yes, but not like it used to be.”

He wasn’t actually asking what to do.
​He was asking who he was allowed to be now.

Spiral Dynamics: When Growth Looks Like Crisis

What was really happening was something deeper and beautifully human.

In Spiral Dynamics, a model of personal evolution developed by psychologist Clare Graves, we pass through different stages of meaning-making. He had lived most of his adult life as the Achiever — driven by goals, metrics, recognition. He’d been brilliant at it. And it had served him well — until it didn’t.

At some point, the Achiever’s drive becomes exhaustion.

He was crossing into the next stage — the Individualist — someone who starts to care more about purpose than performance. But this shift isn’t smooth. Often, the Individualist first slides backward, trying harder to be the old version of themselves, to succeed “just one more time” in the old game before letting go.

And that’s exactly what was happening:​
He was investing all his energy into two chairs — the corporate job and the fragile business — without fully committing to either. And blaming himself for not being enough in both.

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From Breakdown to Breakthrough

We didn’t fix everything. We didn’t need to.

What we did was trace his life like a map. From his first jobs hauling boxes as a student, to his rise through the ranks in corporate retail, to managing massive teams and launching his own brand. We sketched out the full arc of his growth — not as proof of success, but as evidence of evolution.

We talked about how dissatisfaction had been both a driver and a destroyer. How comparing himself to others — CEOs, founders, former colleagues — had kept him chasing shadows. And how, at some point, his refusal to acknowledge his current reality had become its own form of self-sabotage.

Eventually, he said:

He wasn’t giving up. He was finally seeing clearly.

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Enough Is a Decision

Confidence doesn’t come from perfection.
It comes from perspective.

From the ability to pause, zoom out, and say:
​“Actually… I’m doing better than I think.”

If you’re in a similar place — doubting your worth, comparing your behind-the-scenes to someone else’s highlight reel — here are some gentle questions to sit with:

• What part of your life today would make your younger self proud?
• Where are you still holding onto someone else’s definition of success?
• What if this version of you is already more than enough, not someday, but today?

You are not behind.
You are not broken.
You are not late.
You might simply be becoming.

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A Little Help from Within

If your inner critic is loud these days, try this free deck I created:

​👉 Ask the Master — Card Deck (Light Version)​

It’s full of reflection prompts to help you step out of the spiral of comparison and back into your own truth. Quiet. Honest. Steady.

💬 If you find the "Ask the Master" tool helpful, I’d love it if you left a short review on Gumroad. It really helps others (and me!) know what resonates 🙏.

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💌 Let It Shine

If this letter speaks to something in you, reply. I’d love to hear what landed.
Or forward it to someone else who needs a little clarity and kindness this week.

​

With warmth,

Elena